How To Be Happy

      For a long time, I battled with depression and suicidal thoughts, and for a long time, I never even knew why. Sometimes I still don't. It felt like I tried so many different things in order to be happy, as if one singular action was simply going to take the depression away. Most of the time, those things only seemed to make me feel worse or leave me craving the "end" even more. I overate, which made me gain weight and hate the way I looked. I overslept, which made me unproductive which made me feel lazy and worthless. I caked makeup on my face, but instead of making me feel beautiful, it made me feel ugly and like a fraud. I cut myself, and for a while, it made me feel better. It actually made me feel great - until I saw how badly it affected everyone around me.

      I thought id never get better until I cracked the code. The key to being happy isn't someTHING it's someONE. I leaned on my lover, and he gave me the happiness I needed. I went to therapy and learned how to cope with the pain and sadness. Throughout this journey, I continue to get more clarity, and now I'm able to know that he wasn't the someone -- I'm am. He guided me to my happiness, but I could have never truly gotten there had I not made the choices for myself, to take therapy seriously, to stop being negative about myself image, and to stop cutting. He gave me hope, but I had to make the decision. Nothing will change until you decide to be happy.

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